Send your lifeboats

"Wake, wake up/dreaming only leads to more and more nightmares/snap out of it/you said it in a way that showed you really cared" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

My favorite dreams are those that start (and end) when I’m half asleep and half awake, because they are almost real, and because if I wake up that moment, I won’t know if it was a dream or if it really happened to me, that „memory” of reality or of a dream. It’s a memory that I cannot yet connect to anything real or unreal, but it’s there. And, usually, in these dreams, I continue some discussions I had that day or I live forward some of my life’s moments. Or I open some discussions that I’ll continue in reality or I try to bring to life the moments I dreamed.

"Sing out, sing out, the silence only eats us from the inside up" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

The day that I will wear high heels is closer and closer. I learn how I want to be, and I’m what I learn, day by day I become the one you want me to be for us. I don’t repress any feeling, but I find good places inside me where I can keep and hide the strongest feelings I have, those that are only mine. I laugh and cry so little, every day more rarely. I build my masks, my movements, my smiles and I teach myself the art of crying without weeping. I teach myself to show the life I have inside only through my eyes, fingers, lips, words, timbre, discussions I take, the music I listen to, the movies I watch and the books I read. I learn how to stop the fear and disgust, I focus on self-control and I start writing with a red pen.

"Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

There was a complicate smell in the air. It was the smell of eternity. I’m shivering. I know that’s something that cannot happen and that I cannot have, but still. I’m frozen. I try to feel what I would feel if it was real, if the eternity was here. It goes away and I still don’t want to accept reality. I’m here. I want to cry, shout, to say everything I didn’t say or to swallow every word I said.

I give it one smile. I’m back in the current world. I think I wrote down something stupid, just to check on the eternity. I cannot even remember if I got an answer. It didn’t matter. The current time wasn’t important to any moment. I was there, I smelled the eternity, and it was complicated.