Send your lifeboats

For the English version of this article, click here.

"Wake, wake up/dreaming only leads to more and more nightmares/snap out of it/you said it in a way that showed you really cared" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

Visele mele preferate sunt acelea care incep (si se termina) atunci cand inca sunt pe jumatate treaza, pentru ca sunt aproape reale si pentru ca daca ma trezesc atunci nu stiu daca a fost vis sau chiar mi s-a intamplat ce inca imi sade acolo in creier ca o amintire... o amintire pe care nu stiu de ce sa o leg. Si, de obicei, in aceste vise continuu discutii cu oamenii pe care i-am intalnit in acea zi sau continuu momente pe care le-am trait candva. Sau incep discutii pe care le pornesc apoi in realitate si incep momente din viata pe baza acelor vise.

"Sing out, sing out, the silence only eats us from the inside up" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

Mai am un pic si o sa port tocuri. Invat cum vreau sa fiu si sunt precum invat, zi de zi, asa cum cred ca ai dori sa fiu pentru noi. Nu reprim nimic, ci doar gasesc locuri bune, acolo in mine, unde sa pastrez si sa dosesc cele mai puternice sentimente. Rad si plang putin, tot mai putin. Construiesc mastile, miscarile, zambetele si ma instruiesc in arta umezirii ochilor fara lacrimi si suspine. Invat sa arat viata din mine si pe mine doar prin ochi, degete, buze, ton, cuvinte-semn, discutiile pe care le port, muzica pe care o ascult si filmele si cartile pe care le citesc in autobuz. Invat sa imi infrunt frica si scarba, insist pe autocontrol si am inceput sa scriu cu stiloul.

"Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

Mirosea complicat, a eternitate. Tremur. Stiu ca e ceea ce nu se poate intampla si ca e ceea ce nu pot sa am, dar totusi. Impietresc. Experimentez ceea ce as simti daca ar fi adevarat, daca eternitatea ar fi aici. Trece si inca tot nu vreau sa recunosc realitatea. Am ajuns. Imi vine sa plang, sa strig, sa spun tot ce nu am spus sau sa tac si sa inghit fiecare cuvant spus.

Zambesc. Revin in lumea de acum. Parca am scris ceva stupid, sa verific eternitatea. Nici nu mai stiu daca am primit raspuns. Prezentul nu a fost important niciun moment. A fost acolo si mirosea complicat. A eternitate.

Send your lifeboats

"Wake, wake up/dreaming only leads to more and more nightmares/snap out of it/you said it in a way that showed you really cared" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

My favorite dreams are those that start (and end) when I’m half asleep and half awake, because they are almost real, and because if I wake up that moment, I won’t know if it was a dream or if it really happened to me, that „memory” of reality or of a dream. It’s a memory that I cannot yet connect to anything real or unreal, but it’s there. And, usually, in these dreams, I continue some discussions I had that day or I live forward some of my life’s moments. Or I open some discussions that I’ll continue in reality or I try to bring to life the moments I dreamed.

"Sing out, sing out, the silence only eats us from the inside up" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

The day that I will wear high heels is closer and closer. I learn how I want to be, and I’m what I learn, day by day I become the one you want me to be for us. I don’t repress any feeling, but I find good places inside me where I can keep and hide the strongest feelings I have, those that are only mine. I laugh and cry so little, every day more rarely. I build my masks, my movements, my smiles and I teach myself the art of crying without weeping. I teach myself to show the life I have inside only through my eyes, fingers, lips, words, timbre, discussions I take, the music I listen to, the movies I watch and the books I read. I learn how to stop the fear and disgust, I focus on self-control and I start writing with a red pen.

"Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

There was a complicate smell in the air. It was the smell of eternity. I’m shivering. I know that’s something that cannot happen and that I cannot have, but still. I’m frozen. I try to feel what I would feel if it was real, if the eternity was here. It goes away and I still don’t want to accept reality. I’m here. I want to cry, shout, to say everything I didn’t say or to swallow every word I said.

I give it one smile. I’m back in the current world. I think I wrote down something stupid, just to check on the eternity. I cannot even remember if I got an answer. It didn’t matter. The current time wasn’t important to any moment. I was there, I smelled the eternity, and it was complicated.

L-am revazut, ca un moft al meu

Daca n-ar fi despre iubire, poate ar fi filmul meu preferat. Si ce ma mai deranjeaza la acest film este titlul: In the mood for love. Ar fi perfect daca acest titlu nu ar intoarce perceptia asupra filmului pe dos.

Dragostea din film nu e doar un moft, doar o dispozitie. Si apoi nu e imposibila doar asa ca nu au personajele chef de sentimente, relatii, complicatii. Ba dimpotriva e complicat. E despre sentimente infranate ca cele doua caractere sa nu iasa din ceea ce sunt si sa intre in zona a ceea ce sunt sotii lor care ii insala. Vor doar sa inteleaga de ce oamenii insala si reusesc sa priceapa doar atunci cand se indragostesc unul de altul. Si se opresc. Atat vroiau si asta era granita pe care nu vroiau sa o treaca. Da, e despre morala, respect de sine, respect fata de sentimentele altora.

Isi continua viata fara sotii lor, dar si departe unul de celalalt. Sentimentele lor insa nu se schimba. Si atunci eu nu mai prea pricep, dar ma multumesc cu perfectiunea povestii, a taierii cadrelor, a montajului, a decorurilor, a rochiilor, a schimbarii de ritm si a muzicii si a dispozitiei pe care ti-o lasa. Poate la asta se refera titlul.

Mirar el cielo

From what I read:

"Imi place numele acestei sarbatori, in spaniola, mirar el cielo, pentru ca ma duce cu gandul la oglinda cerului. (...) In ajunul sarbatorii, fiecare trebuie sa se pregateasca. Nu facand o munca anume, ci, dimpotriva, incetinandu-si viata. (...) nu stelele conteaza, ci cunoasterea vidului. (...) Inchipuie-ti ca aceasta noapte este cea mai lunga din viata ta. Lasa-te purtat intr-o alta lume, ghiceste-o ca greierul, prin porii pielii tale, nu doar cu odaile goale ale ochilor, ci cu tot trupul. Respir-o, bea-o. Daca ai impresia ca stii ceva, uita tot ce stii. (...)priviti cerul si pierdeti-va in spatiu in aceasta noapte . (...) raman nemiscati, cu ochii deschisi, pentru a intra in spatiu. Am intrat din prima. Deasupra mea s-a deschis o poarta mare si am simtit ca alunec prin ea, nu in inchipuire, ci cu privirea, o miscare ce pornea din centrul corpului meu si se infunda in intuneric. (...) Mi se parea ca eram totodata aici si acolo, foarte aproape, foarte departe." / I like the name of this holiday, in Spanish, mirar el cielo, because it reminds me of the sky mirror. (...) During the holiday's eve, everyone should prepare for it. Not working, but, by contrary, slowing down their life. (...) not the stars are important, but the meeting of the emptiness between them. (...) Imagine this night as the longest night of your life. Let yourself carried in another world, guess it like a cicada, through your skins' pores, not just through your eyes' empty space, but through your whole body. Inhale it, drink it. If you think you know something, forget everything you know. (...) Look to the sky and lose yourself in space this night. (...) they stay still, with their eyes open in order to enter the space. I entered from the first try. Above me, a big gate opened and I felt slipping through it, not in my imagination, but through my look, a movement that started inside of my body and died in the darkness. (...) It seemed like I was there, and here at the same time, very close and faraway." (Urania, J.M.G. Le Clezio)

"Myself, I had never been to the ocean, and it was on the growing list of places I wanted to visited before I died. Not just to visit but be a part of; my idea of visiting the ocean was to be a sailor, and my idea of visiting Alaska was to work the pipeline, and my idea of Africa was to hunt and guide and explore, and my idea of Texas was to die at the Alamo, and my idea of Paris was to be in a room and write all this down". (Stay Here With Me, Robert Olmstead)

"Needing to learn something can become the best reason to do nothing in your life. You are always waiting around, always afraid to step or speak, afraid to do what people have been doing for thousands of years". (Stay Here With Me, Robert Olmstead)

"A remarcat: Dar, daca mergi in linie dreapta, nu vei putea intalni oameni". / "He observed: But, if you go straight, you won't be able to meet people". (Urania, J.M.G. Le Clezio)