Si parca mi se aduce aminte

Oare am murit? Repet muzica la nesfarsit. Nu mai simt nimic din ce am simtit. Citesc ce am scris si nu mai recunosc nimic. Nici nu imi mai aduc aminte ce am trait. Parca ar fi povestile altcuiva, doar ale mele nu. Cuvinte goale care nu imi mai spun nimic.

Rece. Aproape indiferenta. Nu ma mai sperie curbele, ba chiar le iau in viteza, apasand si mai tare acceleratia ca sa simt ceva. Ca zbor. Si zbor. Si ma bucur cand orasul e gol.

Fals, simt ca zambesc. Fals, ma var intr-o lume si trec fara sa o fi simtit. Caut, sa plang, sa rad, sa fac, sa dreg, ca sa zambesc, din nou.

Oamenii intra si ies, fara sa bata. Ii inchid, ii deschid. Nu mai e nimic de ascuns sau de spus. Aici e deja pustiu. Si poate ca am murit.

Whatever

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,

with open arms and open eyes"

On movies again

You could say I'm high, 'cause I'm on movies again :), and there is a strange feeling I've been having about these movies of the 2000's. It's hard to explain, but I will try. They go deep into our minds, search for our personal thoughts, experiences, fears, strengths, feelings, memories, things that make us smile or cry... yeah, that's nothing new. All movies, from all times, do/did this.

But there is something special with these new movies. They got our internal rythm of life. They got our feelings and the way we live them, second by second. They know exactly when we would get bored and what they should do to resuscitate us. There is an almost perfect match between our feelings, thoughts, expectations and their script, the actors they pick, the images they choose, the music they play. And that's not all...

You watch a movie, and sometimes it seems like you are watching your life. Not the whole story, even if this could happen too, but small parts of it: a smile you saw before, a moment you've already lived, a way of following your dream, pictures you have taken when you were in vacation, things you have said and so on.

The last movies I've seen: Shutter Island, Inception, Prison Break (still watching this).

Facebook

I was almost there, but I got saved :)) Watch it:

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/267112

"Just say you understand"

One idea came into my mind this morning when I couldn't get out of my car because I wanted to listen to the whole song that was playing (from my own CD!). It's a Goo Goo Dolls song, from Let Love In album - Without you here is the name of the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGiwMGe5E3g&feature=related). It is not the greatest song I have ever heard, and it won't be in my top 10, but...

I think that the most successful songs will be those that you get them before the lyrics start or you can guess the lyrics just by listen to the background sound. The composer / the band will reach his / their objective when the listeners know the song and understand it from the first 5 seconds and they are dying to listen to the whole song just to make sure that their guess was right.

Linking Park mood

I've heard one of their new songs these days, and I recalled myself listening to them. That's one of my favorite Linking Park songs:



Also try: Carousel, Esaul, Breaking the habit, Points of authority, Not alone, My december, Papercut, Leave out all the rest and others.

Send your lifeboats

"Wake, wake up/dreaming only leads to more and more nightmares/snap out of it/you said it in a way that showed you really cared" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

My favorite dreams are those that start (and end) when I’m half asleep and half awake, because they are almost real, and because if I wake up that moment, I won’t know if it was a dream or if it really happened to me, that „memory” of reality or of a dream. It’s a memory that I cannot yet connect to anything real or unreal, but it’s there. And, usually, in these dreams, I continue some discussions I had that day or I live forward some of my life’s moments. Or I open some discussions that I’ll continue in reality or I try to bring to life the moments I dreamed.

"Sing out, sing out, the silence only eats us from the inside up" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

The day that I will wear high heels is closer and closer. I learn how I want to be, and I’m what I learn, day by day I become the one you want me to be for us. I don’t repress any feeling, but I find good places inside me where I can keep and hide the strongest feelings I have, those that are only mine. I laugh and cry so little, every day more rarely. I build my masks, my movements, my smiles and I teach myself the art of crying without weeping. I teach myself to show the life I have inside only through my eyes, fingers, lips, words, timbre, discussions I take, the music I listen to, the movies I watch and the books I read. I learn how to stop the fear and disgust, I focus on self-control and I start writing with a red pen.

"Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout" (Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)

There was a complicate smell in the air. It was the smell of eternity. I’m shivering. I know that’s something that cannot happen and that I cannot have, but still. I’m frozen. I try to feel what I would feel if it was real, if the eternity was here. It goes away and I still don’t want to accept reality. I’m here. I want to cry, shout, to say everything I didn’t say or to swallow every word I said.

I give it one smile. I’m back in the current world. I think I wrote down something stupid, just to check on the eternity. I cannot even remember if I got an answer. It didn’t matter. The current time wasn’t important to any moment. I was there, I smelled the eternity, and it was complicated.

L-am revazut, ca un moft al meu

Daca n-ar fi despre iubire, poate ar fi filmul meu preferat. Si ce ma mai deranjeaza la acest film este titlul: In the mood for love. Ar fi perfect daca acest titlu nu ar intoarce perceptia asupra filmului pe dos.

Dragostea din film nu e doar un moft, doar o dispozitie. Si apoi nu e imposibila doar asa ca nu au personajele chef de sentimente, relatii, complicatii. Ba dimpotriva e complicat. E despre sentimente infranate ca cele doua caractere sa nu iasa din ceea ce sunt si sa intre in zona a ceea ce sunt sotii lor care ii insala. Vor doar sa inteleaga de ce oamenii insala si reusesc sa priceapa doar atunci cand se indragostesc unul de altul. Si se opresc. Atat vroiau si asta era granita pe care nu vroiau sa o treaca. Da, e despre morala, respect de sine, respect fata de sentimentele altora.

Isi continua viata fara sotii lor, dar si departe unul de celalalt. Sentimentele lor insa nu se schimba. Si atunci eu nu mai prea pricep, dar ma multumesc cu perfectiunea povestii, a taierii cadrelor, a montajului, a decorurilor, a rochiilor, a schimbarii de ritm si a muzicii si a dispozitiei pe care ti-o lasa. Poate la asta se refera titlul.

Ruuuun!

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done" (Snow Patrol, Run)

Missing U2 :)

Clear mind, clear water

If you want to see more pictures from the Black Sea, go here: http://picasaweb.google.com/beudean/TheBlackSeaClearWaterClearMind2009#

L(i)(o)ve Cinema

I was looking at the list of the movies running in the theaters this week. Nothing interesting. There are less then one hundred years of cinema history (correct me if I’m wrong), and I began to think that there are no new subjects for the movies – all were discussed and presented over and over again. There are no new perspectives, scenes or ways of shooting a movie. Nothing can surprise us enough.

I saw the past, the present and the future in the movies. I liked the last movies I watched because: one was ironic with the present time, another one had a very good and well presented view over the life in general, another one had a very good script, and the last one reminded me that life is gray and even the biggest criminal can be loved. Would I love a criminal? Which are the movies? It doesn’t matter.

As one of my friends says the horror movies are not scary anymore. Nothing can surprise us anymore. We get bored when we watch a love story, the comedies are stupid, the SF movies don’t have consistence, but are based on excessive special effects, the political movies are too political. I know that I promised to never watch Von Trier’s movies again, but at least he has new subjects (quite “sick” topics) that others don’t dare to transform in movies or that others don’t even think about. And he is able to make from a “vomited” idea an original, and shocking movie.

So, I didn’t find any movie to watch. I’m waiting now for the new Tarantino’s movie. Would it have something new? Maybe I would love to go to the theater to watch a live movie/reality show from Time’s Square… just to see the New York people at 5 pm, or at 5:05 pm. So people from Romania will watch people from USA. And those from Africa will watch people from Asia and so on… But news and football games would not be projected in the theaters (please!).

I wonder if one can rent a theater for his/her birthday and pick up the movies he/she wants to share/watch with his/her guests. Would anyone come to such a birthday party?

U2 day - my unforgettable fire

My favorite U2 song - Unforgettable fire ... is again in their concerts :)

The Unforgettable Fire
1984!!!

Ice
Your only rivers run cold
These city lights
They shine as silver and gold
Dug from the night
Your eyes as black as coal

Walk on by
Walk on through
Walk 'til you run
And don't look back
For here I am

Carnival
The wheels fly and the colors spin
Through alcohol
Red wine that punctures the skin
Face to face
In a dry and waterless place

Walk on by
Walk on through
So sad to beseige your love so head on
Stay this time
Stay tonight in a lie
I'm only asking but I...
I think you know
Come on take me away
Come on take me away
Come on take me home
Home again

And if the mountain should crumble
Or disappear into the sea
Not a tear, no not I

Stay in this time
Stay tonight in...
Ever after, this love in time
And if you save your love
Save it all

Don't push me too far
Don't push me too far
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight...

Train thoughts

Finally I understood why I get so tired when I'm traveling. I traveled enough in the last few weeks - long enough to realize that I don't like the fact that I have to come back. I love to leave and, if it's possible, never come back for good. But in the last year, I came back over and over again in the same place - the city where I bought a lot of purses. And this makes me tired. No, I'm not speaking about the shopping. I'm tired because I feel that coming back to the same old place strongly connects me to it - to the city I think I want to leave.

At the same time, lately, I tell myself that the only things I want from life are: traveling, buying postcards, writing postcards and journals, and, probably, painting. What would I do with all the knowledge and work and life experience I got till now? I would use these for all the interesting conversations I would have with interesting people I would meet.

I cannot understand myself. Usually people that travel put their eyes on the train's window and... look at whatever they see. That's not me. I look to the chairs symmetrically aligned in front of me and that's the moment when all these thoughts come into my mind and I cannot focus anymore on the novel I read or on the music I listen to. Looking to the chairs perfectly aligned, making a perfect passage where I can see parts of the travelers: a hand, half of a smile, a part of a jacket, the corner of a bag, some nonsense gestures. And I realized that's life. A passage where you can see or meet only parts of people, a passage where you can never get a person with all his/her details. And when a person gets up and comes to your chair you can have a lot of good or bad 'surprises'.

It would have been better to look out of the window, and now to tell you about what left from Romania. We probably would be happier with an analysis of the railway stations, corn fields or Copsa Mica ruins.

Man's world

"barbatii nu faceau nimic, doar stateau de vorba la cafenea. Magari, camile, autobuze..." (foarte subtila si ironica Isabel Allende) ;)) / "the men were doing nothing, except chatting and drinking coffee. Donkeys, camels, buses..." (Isabel Allende seems to be very ironic and smart in writting) ;))

Look right, look left

... and enjoy the space between right and left. That's London for me. I'm not in the "right" mood to describe my "left" impression on London or on my trip. I'm still in the space between right and left. Enjoy these pictures:









If you want more pictures from London, click here: http://picasaweb.google.com/beudean/Londra#

Two thoughts, one look

There is a new tram in the city. It looks like the others, but it is white with green stripes. And it's white in a gray city, and everyone can see it. As I travel every day by tram (take out the days when I can drive my dad's "Saint" Chevrolet), everyone asks me how the new tram is. I don't know. And I mean it. Two days ago, it broke 50 meters before the stop where it should pick me up. So, I walked dreaming for its "white" and "blessing" the dust.

And I told you what I didn't want to tell you. While I was writing the rows above, I was thinking to something else. It happens very often in the last month. I manage to keep an entire discussion, with good questions and answers I can remember, being with my mind in another place or time. Maybe you do the same, but for me it's something new. It might be from the spring, or it might be that I'm getting old or a new neuron is working. I began to think using images, and stories, without discussions. So, I manage to talk seriously, and to think, at the same time, about the ocean, about friends, eyes, events, smiles, anger, eyes again, hugs, and things that haven't happen yet. And the discussion is over, and the things are solved. If people will look carefully, they would observe that my mind is in at least two places. The only problem is that sometimes I use strange words which combine at least two different thoughts.

Should I change myself? It doesn't really matter. Nobody looks carefully. I think everyone does the same. I caught you.

A new world in my eyes

For the English version of this article, go a little bit down on this page.

Dupa cum vedeti, ma prostesc din ce in ce mai des. Sunt si eu in concediu si, desi nu am redus volumul de munca, m-am hotarat sa nu ma mai gandesc serios la chestii serioase. Si imi permit sa imi pierd timpul cu filme bune, proaste, muzica noua, veche, discutii interesante sau fara concluzii, ganduri (ne)cuminti sau riscante, plimbari pe jos, cu masina, dans si batut din picioare pe snow patrol, zambete smechere si altele. Si in aceasta pauza mentala imi aduc aminte de unele si altele. Si la ce ma gandesc? Acum? La Depeche Mode pe care doar i-am ascultat pana acum (destul de mult in ultimul an!) si i-am vazut doar intr-un videoclip sau doua. Si gandindu-ma asa, mi-am si facut un "my favorite". Piesa pe care imi place sa dansez cel mai mult si mai mult vine de la ei. Nu risc sa va pun sa ghiciti, ca sigur sunteti posomorati cand sunt eu "neserioasa": "World in my eyes". Dar risc sa pun o intrebare gen www.revistepentrufemei.ro: "daca va place sa dansati, care este piesa favorita pe care ati dansa de una singura?" Pentru domni: "care e piesa care va face sa dati din picioare si mai-mai ca va ridica de pe scaunul ala de la bar?"

As you can see I "play around" more and more. I have some days off from the office. I didn't reduce the work volume, but I decided to think less seriously about serious things. Plus, I can afford to lose time and watch good/bad movies, listen to old/new music, have interesting or "no point" discussions, dirty/clear/risky thoughts, walk, drive, dance on Snow Patrol, smile, etc. Using this mental break, I recall all kind of things. And I think... what do I think? Right now? I think to Depeche Mode. I've listened to their music quite often in the last year, but I saw only one or two of their videos. Thinking about them, I created another "my favorite". So, my favorite song I love to dance on is a Depeche Mode song. I won't risk to ask you to guess the song, 'cause I'm sure that you are not in a good mood like I am. So the song is: "World in My Eyes". But I will ask you a "women magazine" question type. For women: "If you like to dance, what's your favorite song you like to dance on alone?" And for men: "What's the song that makes you jump on the chair and almost makes you leave your chair from the bar?"

You got to spend some time...

I like this song, even if it talks too much about possession. :) It's about too much love, or desperation, or too much confidence. And it is a looong song, but with a good incremental rhythm... it's like following your love, step by step, sound by sound, getting closer and closer to him/her, and you are waiting for the end - the happy end. But the happy end is not getting there in time, so from too much love, desperation, confidence or craziness you push the fast forward button: "I will possess your heart". At this point the song ends. Usually when the ffw button is pushed the other one runs, probably because 90% of people cannot make the right decision under too much pressure or possession.

Death Cab for Cutie - I will possess your heart



For a better version of the song go here:
http://www.deathcabforcutie.com/audioplayer.php

Women are the future (Thank you, Bono ;) )

Here is the new U2 single, from the album No Line on the Horizon. It makes me jump, it makes me search for the right rhythm inside me. I'm waiting for the album.